June 15, 2010

From Hell's Heart, I Blog at Thee

I don’t have much time.

For the last month I have been held captive in some sort of highly-secured windowless cell. I am perpetually blindfolded, but based on the sickening odors, I have deduced that I am either downwind of a dysenteric Tibetan yak farm or somewhere in Detroit.

I cajoled a guard into allowing me to use his iPhone by promising him I could copy over all the contacts stuck on his old phone, so I only have time for a quick post and maybe three hands of Party Poker.

Do not forsake me, my Scotticus Finch acolytes. Like the heroic Balloon Boy, I will inevitably pop up inexplicably close to where you last saw me, none the worse for wear, and just as misanthropic as you remembered.

Mostly, I can’t wait to escape so I can finally find out what ingenious plan British Petroleum and President Obama implemented to quickly and efficiently stop that silly little oil leak in the Gulf. Remember that? What a slightly inconvenient nuisance that must have been for a few fish in the immediate area and absolutely no one else on Earth. USA! USA! USA!


  1. Come on now he is our President, and I’m sure he is doing a better job in the gulf than George W. did with Katrina, Right? I mean look at his approval rating during this event. Oh shit, now the Dem’s are even down in the mouth about Obama. What in the world will the gulf states do now? Where oh where is Scotticus when we need him?

  2. Sorry to hear you have been kidnapped but I am a little jealous of your vacation. I have been to Tibet, it is cool place, and the air is clear. Insist on the local tea, It is fabulous. If It is detroit, tough luck! Unfortunately, that oil will still be leaking after your release. The good news, is that they have figured out new technology to get rid of that annoying Vuvuzela sound out of tv broadcast. Priorities! Btw, If you win at party poker you had better declare your earnings with the IRS; prison is not an excuse.

  3. A fun site to play on with or without kids:
    It has a morse code translator. Unlike Jerimah Denton, In my videotaped plea, I would blink R E L A X I N G , D O N ' T F O R G E T T O F E E D T H E K I D S A N D M Y D O G ;-)

  4. Your guard doesn't have the iPhone 4 yet? What a loser....